When Did Joy Disappear From My Life?

I’m not sure… I know it happened sometime in the last four months. I know this because I just realized it was gone, and I can remember a time a few months back when it was here.

The strange thing is that I don’t remember how it left. But I know that it did.

This may take some of you by surprise. If you know me at all, you know that I am generally very upbeat and happy. I love life. I love being alive. I love sharing who I am with the people around me. I love making them see the beauty that is life and the strength that is within them.

You see, I have always believed in the divine nature of man. I know that we have the potential to be so much more than we are. And I know that getting there is within our power. It’s within us.

I have always told people this. I have always tried to instill in others knowledge of the strength they have inside, the power that is their vision of themselves, and the ability they have within themselves to positively affect their lives and the world around them.

Somehow lately, I stopped actively believing this for myself. I forgot that my happiness and joy was a choice I make. I forgot that I have a reason to be happy—many reasons.

A few months ago I came face to face with a realization that shocked and hurt me. And it wasn’t so much that I had never thought of it before. The shocking part was that I didn’t realize the depth of the matter or understand how deeply it would affect me.

If I had to pick a moment when the joy began to leave my life, I would say it was that moment. From then on, this realization began its strangle hold on my life. As I allowed it to strangle me, I did my best to hide it. Unfortunately, I couldn’t hide it—not from everyone. Some very close friends had to deal with the affects too.

Instead of learning the lesson and moving on, I let the wound fester. I focused on it. I tried to make it go away by constantly dwelling on it. I started to blame my circumstances and those around me for my unhappiness. I also started to expect that the people around me would give me the happiness I couldn’t find myself.

Along this journey, I negatively affected one of the best friendships I have ever had. I became a drag. I lost the life in me, and I expected this friend to follow me through my despair and pull me out.

I realize now how wrong I was. And how unfair. I wish I could go back and undo these last months to keep the wounds I caused from being inflicted. Unfortunately, all I can do now is learn and grow.

I am very sorry to any of you that have had to carry me these last few months. I am so indebted to you for your patience and love, and I am so sorry for any pain, frustration, or annoyance I have caused you.

To my friends who put up with me despite my recent depression, I am very sorry. I am working now to revive the life and joy that you used to associate with me.

I may be down, but I am far from done. If there’s one thing I have always believed, it’s that I can do anything I put my mind to. And so can you.

Tagged as: Thoughts