When Did Joy Disappear From My Life?

by Jon Pinney on February 4, 2010

I’m not sure… I know it happened sometime in the last four months. I know this because I just realized it was gone, and I can remember a time a few months back when it was here.

The strange thing is that I don’t remember how it left. But I know that it did.

This may take some of you by surprise. If you know me at all, you know that I am generally very upbeat and happy. I love life. I love being alive. I love sharing who I am with the people around me. I love making them see the beauty that is life and the strength that is within them.

You see, I have always believed in the divine nature of man. I know that we have the potential to be so much more than we are. And I know that getting there is within our power. It’s within us.

I have always told people this. I have always tried to instill in others knowledge of the strength they have inside, the power that is their vision of themselves, and the ability they have within themselves to positively affect their lives and the world around them.

Somehow lately, I stopped actively believing this for myself. I forgot that my happiness and joy was a choice I make. I forgot that I have a reason to be happy—many reasons.

A few months ago I came face to face with a realization that shocked and hurt me. And it wasn’t so much that I had never thought of it before. The shocking part was that I didn’t realize the depth of the matter or understand how deeply it would affect me.

If I had to pick a moment when the joy began to leave my life, I would say it was that moment. From then on, this realization began its strangle hold on my life. As I allowed it to strangle me, I did my best to hide it. Unfortunately, I couldn’t hide it—not from everyone. Some very close friends had to deal with the affects too.

Instead of learning the lesson and moving on, I let the wound fester. I focused on it. I tried to make it go away by constantly dwelling on it. I started to blame my circumstances and those around me for my unhappiness. I also started to expect that the people around me would give me the happiness I couldn’t find myself.

Along this journey, I negatively affected one of the best friendships I have ever had. I became a drag. I lost the life in me, and I expected this friend to follow me through my despair and pull me out.

I realize now how wrong I was. And how unfair. I wish I could go back and undo these last months to keep the wounds I caused from being inflicted. Unfortunately, all I can do now is learn and grow.

I am very sorry to any of you that have had to carry me these last few months. I am so indebted to you for your patience and love, and I am so sorry for any pain, frustration, or annoyance I have caused you.

To my friends who put up with me despite my recent depression, I am very sorry. I am working now to revive the life and joy that you used to associate with me.

I may be down, but I am far from done. If there’s one thing I have always believed, it’s that I can do anything I put my mind to. And so can you.

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Paul February 4, 2010 at 6:44 pm

well pull you out with another album : ) just had to say it.

Jon Pinney February 4, 2010 at 8:00 pm

aw thanks paul… i have been working to that end you know. Now that I’m not depressed I’ll finally be able to write some happy songs :)

Paul February 7, 2010 at 11:24 pm

yay. cant wait. i am finishing tracking a 15 song album for a friend and then it should be your turn!!! : )

Brian Wilcox May 11, 2010 at 7:28 pm

Jon–know that the Wilcoxes will always share some special love with sweet Brother Pinney.

We hope you find your way out of the funk. I still find myself singing your Angel song from time to time. I always loved your music.

All the best.

Jon Pinney May 20, 2010 at 1:23 am

aw thanks Brian :) I’m glad to say that I have definitely found my way out of the funk and am now doing much better :) how are you guys? where are you these days?

Jonathan August 2, 2012 at 10:21 am

Hi Jon, I’m done with religion but I do fervently believe in God and this is why. I believe in God not because He can cause the earth to shatter. I believe in God because He can heal a spirit that is broken. So don’t be afraid to break because you can heal. And remember that no matter how fast light travels, the darkness is always there first. The light can not prevent the darkness. The light can only shine after. You are beloved of someone. Live brave.

Jon Pinney August 6, 2012 at 10:16 am

Thank you Jonathan! Those are beautiful words and I really appreciate them. I also believe in God for many of the same reasons you have mentioned. And I love your allusions to light and dark. Darkness has an apparent power, but it melts away before even the smallest shimmer of light.

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