How Can You Tell If He’s Into You?

by Jon Pinney on September 25, 2009

Is He Into You?

Is He Into You?

Good question.  It’s a question that gets asked by both sides about the opposite sex.

It seems to me that in our society we have a hard time making up our minds.  We’re always looking for the next best thing, the next exciting thing, the next attractive thing.  This also carries over to our romantic relationships.  Oftentimes we are too caught up thinking about the next person we’ll meet or see that we fail to fully engage with the ones we see right now.  (I am guilty of this also).

I know a girl that can’t tell if a guy is into her.  She told me the signs, what he’s doing, why she thinks he might be interested…  He flirts with her, he finds random excuses to talk to her, she often catches him looking at her.

She also mentioned the other signs why he may not be into her…  He never asks her out; she’s invited him a few times to hangout and he always has an excuse.

She’s having a hard time deciding if he’s into her or not.  Should she hope for a relationship with him or just forget about him and move on?  It can be a frustrating situation to be in.

Is He Into You?

Is He Into You?

In my opinion, if a guy is interested, he will pursue.  That means he’ll ask her out or find ways to spend time with her.  He’ll get her phone number and communicate with her through text or phone calls.  If you work with him, he will find reasons to hang out with you outside of work.  These are all ways that guys show they are interested.  If he doesn’t do these things, it means (in almost every situation) that he is not interested.

If he was interested, he would make it obvious.

But what about the flirting, the looks, the random questions or excuses to talk, etc.?

They are good signs, no doubt, but are not enough.  Many guys (and girls) like to flirt.  They can be attracted physically, emotionally, or intellectually.  Because of these attractions, they may give you attention.  But if they are not trying to move the relationship to a deeper level than just flirting, they are probably not interested in doing so.  If they were, they would do it.

Now I know there are exceptions out there.  We learn about them in the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You.”  But that’s what they are: exceptions.

Is He Into You?

Is He Into You?

If you are really frustrated and need to know for sure one way or the other, I suggest confronting the guy and asking him.  Say something like this:  “Hey I’ve noticed you’re sending me a lot of mixed signals; I can’t tell if you’re interested in pursuing a relationship or just flirting for fun.  Which is it?”

Then the guy can let you know.  This could potentially make the situation awkward, but won’t if you don’t let it.  If he’s interested in pursuing a relationship, then great; good thing you asked.  If he’s not, well, at least you know, and now you can move on.

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Ashley September 26, 2009 at 9:49 am

I really like this. Good advice!

Melody Conway September 26, 2009 at 3:06 pm

I like your post…you make a lot of valid and excellent points. :) It seems like “He’s Just Not That Into You” rules are a popular topic of discussion! I read the book years ago. I have found that girls that follow that book are sometimes accused of being bitter and not giving guys chances. I find this quite amusing!
You know what fascinates me? If the rules are so well-known, then why is there a need to analyze them and discuss them so much? Why is there still so much confusion about dating and “who likes who” if there are so few exceptions to these rules? Because modern-day dating is messed up and doesn’t fall within the rules. There are WAYYYYY too many exceptions. I can think of 6 guys off the top of my head who like girls and do not make it obvious or ask them out and every single one of these guys has a different scenario/reason for it.
My thoughts: 1.) Everyone should stop analyzing so much and just go for it! I have a hard time with this one, but it’s useful when followed. It aids in taking away social pressures. 2.) Trust your gut when it comes to does s/he like you or is s/he just flirting. Take things at face value and just see what happens. Use the rules as a general guideline, but your gut always overrides anybody’s popular opinion. Even on the off chance that you misread your gut, you’ll learn what you need to learn. 3.) It’s case by case. People are all so different. Plus, each person grows and changes his or her reactions to how the dating game works as s/he lives and experiences life. 4.) Timing! Timing is sooooo important. Take the friends that are friends for years and then things suddenly change. Somehow the liking becomes mutual, but it took time. Or what about that girl that is leaving for school for one more semester? Just because he didn’t ask her out before she left, doesn’t mean he didn’t like her. It was just bad timing to get something started. OR the famous: “I was getting to know her in group settings, and then I waited too long to feel comfortable asking her out, and now it’s too late because we are in ‘friend zone'”. UGH. A little slow on the uptake there, buddy. And there are many other examples. Point is, in my book, timing is everything.

Rebekah Hanson September 27, 2009 at 9:41 pm

Is this your way of telling me that you are into me and want to take our relationship to a deeper level? :)

Rebekah Hanson September 27, 2009 at 9:44 pm

And amen to Melody. I totally agree. Dating is over analyzed. Less talk more action!!!

Jon Pinney September 28, 2009 at 12:25 am

thanks rebekah and melody for your comments :)

melody, if those six guys were really interested, i am sure they would do something about it. it they don’t, then they really aren’t that interested. that’s my thought anyway.

and i agree with you about timing. it is definitely very important

Melody Conway September 28, 2009 at 7:55 pm

Rebekah–you are too cute! More action! lol
Jon–Going along with your statement of looking for the next best thing all of the time, its highly possible that the right guys and girls get dismissed because the time hasn’t been invested to grow an interest before looking for the next hot girl or guy. Ironically, our generation is both fast-paced and lazy. With the 6 guys I mention, it’s timing and past experiences (or lack thereof) that cloud their efforts to go for their interests. Sometimes, you just aren’t ready for a relationship yet and you just hope your interest will still be around when you are ready!

malena September 29, 2009 at 3:30 pm

Jon, nice post!
What I do is just assume no one is into me, because if I think someone likes me, chances are, I won’t be into them. I just pursue who I want (which never works out), write sad songs about love never working out, and go from there.

Jon Pinney September 29, 2009 at 5:57 pm

That’s awesome malena… the sad ones are always the best anyway (in my opinion). I normally wait till I meet someone I find attractive and intellectually stimulating. Then I try to get to know them better. So far it’s never gotten very far though.

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